The Duel, That Inner Process For Which Nobody Is Prepared

Grief is that delicate and complex process by which we have to say goodbye to a person who was significant to us.

This personal path undoubtedly requires multiple personal processes that we will develop and channel day by day.

However, the way in which each one reaches such acceptance always has a similar purpose: to “install” the loved one as the most precious treasure of our heart. Once the memory of that being is rooted in our memory in a calmer way, we can allow ourselves to be happy again.

Now, grief is not forgetting, but healing pain in order to learn to live with that absence. In this space we want to show you some strategies that could help you achieve it.

My duel, your duel

There is one aspect that psychiatrists and psychologists make very clear to us: each person faces grief in a different way and all are equally respectable.

For this reason, these false myths are sometimes spoken of about what some understand by “the healthiest mourning, the universal one that serves everyone equally.” Let’s look at some misconceptions that we must begin to tear down.

False myths about grief

• The person who does not show suffering is condemned to have a “bad grief”. It is not true. Grief has a lot to do with the personality of each one.
• Thus, someone who is not very expressive, who is not used to emotional release, to communicate with others to talk about their feelings and emotions, will handle grief in their own way.
• The desire to be alone with oneself to reorganize, to think, to heal that absence, is something as respectable as who chooses to go to the psychologist. Each person heals their wounds in their own way.

• Another false myth is the one that tells us that time heals everything. Is not correct. Time does not heal if one does not promote change, acceptance, integration of that loss.
• An important aspect must be made clear: that emptiness will always exist in our hearts; time is not going to heal that absence by itself. What it will do is make it “hurt a little less” to allow us to continue living.
• Another myth is the following: pain is felt instantly and whoever does not suffer it is a cold person. This is another idea that we should also collapse.

After a loss, after losing someone to an accident or illness, the pain may not come at the same moment. In fact, it may take weeks for the person to react. This does not mean at all that it is without feelings.

• The most common is that the impact of that death causes us a denial. We cannot believe it and therefore we are unable to react. Little by little, the awareness of that loss and the consequent pain will come.

Techniques for managing grief

We point out, once again, that the path of mourning is something intimate, stark and laborious. There is no specific technique that serves us all, basically, because each of us understands pain in a different way and it must be managed in the way that best serves us, that most relieves us. However, we can always make use of these strategies.

Thought control

When we lose someone, our mind does not respond, it only feels. Thoughts pile up with emotions, fears with anxieties.

• It is necessary to maintain adequate control of our thoughts. Identify them to be able to promote emotional relief.
• Thought control in turn requires that you do not blame yourself or look for others to blame for what happened. The person is gone, do not store any more pain. It is necessary to accept, assume the loss and mourn it.

Guided fantasy

This technique can be useful to many people. To facilitate farewell, visualizations can be very useful and cathartic. A good procedure could be the following:

• We have to look for a moment of intimacy and solitude. We sit comfortably and breathe deeply.
• Next, we have to empty our minds and focus on one thing only : our loved one, the person we just lost.
• Visualize her, but think of her in peace, smiling at you and calmly. It is time to speak to him. Establish an internal dialogue with her to communicate everything you need to say to her. Remind her how much you love her, and then let her go in peace, in a relaxed way.

Work wounds day by day

We have already accepted that this person is gone. We have mentally said goodbye to her … Now what?

• Now there are the wounds of absence and a life to rebuild in another way without the loved one.
• Understand that this is going to be a daily struggle that you are going to have to face every day. Now, you need to understand that you are not alone, that there are more people with you and that they will help you.

• Don’t be afraid to be happy again. The loved one sleeps forever in your heart, he is with you and it is vital that you smile for him again.

Make your life a tribute to his memory. Make your days full, cry every time you need it and don’t be afraid to laugh again. Surely that person is happy to see your face lit up again with joy.

And if you need help, remember that you can always go to a psychologist or psychiatrist. One of these professionals can help you create strategies to cope with grief more easily.